A Prayer

Be kind to me Lord.

Remind me once again who I am

Who You are molding me to be.

I just want You.

Teach my heart to hate the world

To run to You.

Relentlessly keep me in Your Presence.

Do not allow my feet to wander

Until at last I reflect Your glory

Your Heart

Your Joy.

Until at last I am more like You

7/19/13

How gracious you are to me O Lord

Your heart is constantly turned towards me

Your gaze is set continuously

Even in moments when I fail

I judge

I cheat

I become quick to anger

I overindulge

I take my gaze off Your glory

Even then Your love still follows me

Chases me down

Tenderly seats me in Your Presence

and reminds my heart once again

I am whole.

7/19/13

Today

Today is one of those days where my heart feels so disoriented and tears are pooling up behind my eyes, waiting for the moment I finally allow them to spill. What causes this? Some days it’s just because I’m tired. Some days it’s because my heart is longing for more and I just can’t seem to find contentment in the here and now. But today it seems this heartache is just because I don’t want to leave home.

I don’t want to leave home.

There, I said it.

I leave for camp once again (which I still haven’t shared about, whoops) this Saturday and this exciting event basically signifies the end of my summer. And I just don’t want to leave.

As cheesy as it sounds, John Mayer’s “Stop This Train” has never pierced my heart in the way it has lately. Soon I will only be a visitor in my parent’s home. The summers of childhood have come and gone (wonderfully I must admit) and although I know I will always be welcomed and love spending time in my house, I am growing to realize that this season of life is rapidly catching up with me. I’m watching my friends graduate from college and head out into “grown up world” and in this moment, I just want to go back to the days of Disney Princesses, big hairbows and belting songs while swing higher and higher and higher. In this moment I just want life to pause and let me savor this moment. These moments of home.

But even today, even in the moments I desperately wish for what I don’t have, what I can’t have. I have hope. I know the LORD is good and that this is a season every single person encounters. And I know, without a doubt, that I truly am going to be okay. Better than okay, actually. I’m going to thrive. I’m going to be stretched and learn more about my strengths and weaknesses. I’m going to find passions, have dreams come and go, say yes to adventure, and ultimately have a life that drips with the goodness and glory of God’s Grace. This life is coming fast, and even when I’m tired or scared, I am expectant.

This is going to be good.

“Sometimes I think it’s better to suffer bitter unhappiness and to fight and to scream out, and even to suffer that terrible pain, than to just be… safe. At least she knows she’s living.”
Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

“look at everything as though you are seeing it either for the first or last time, then your time on earth will be filled with glory”
Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. -Isaiah 55:12

“And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn’t it?

It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.

I want to repeat one word for you:
Leave.

Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn’t it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don’t worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed.”
Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts: Light, God, and Beauty on the Open Road

(The tears start spilling as I read the last quote. So rich and true and good.)

Two Poems

I am a Ragamuffin

Life recklessly abandoned

For the magnetic man

And His burning eyes of Love.

Who could stand in His Presence?

Who could behold His Majesty?

But alas, He stoops

Into the muck and mire of my sin

And wipes me clean

Gazes at me with those burning eyes

And says,

“Behold, Daughter,

I call you Mine.”

 

7/3/13

 

 

How could anyone turn from Him?

How could anyone run from His eyes?

It’s His eyes

Burning.

Aching with love for me.

Me.

Whose sins are uncountable

Piled higher than eyes can see.

Whose attempts at goodness are merely bloodied rags.

I am too sinful to hide my shame

And yet He calls me daughter.

Who am I that He would call me daughter?

That He would even glance my way?

But His ways are far above mine.

For He crouches down

And gazes into the deepest parts of who I am

And whispers my identity

Daughter.

Princess.

My Beloved.

Mine.

Those eyes of Love…

I can never get enough.

 

7/3/13

Words & Tea

She loved words.
The kind that got her creativity flowing and her heart beating fast.
With a book and a cup of tea, she was fearless.
Bold enough to take on her day, her world.
Words brought her meaning,
Called out things in her that brought joy
That brought life
That brought freedom.
And one day, when words had been exchanged,
With a cup of tea in hand.
She realized she was free.
And that has made the world anew.

4/20/13

What It Is

Letting go of perfection is a challenging task

Because the moment I think I’m okay

Is the moment the fear of inadequacy comes

Creeping back into my life

Suffocating my joy and soul.

Maybe the do notice all my flaws

Maybe they’re just being nice

Avoiding the fact that my thighs touch

I talk much too loudly

I am too passionate about things

I am nice to a fault.

Too emotional.

Too heavy.

Too much.

Maybe I am a burden

Maybe I am not enough.

 

But maybe there is more to life

Than carrying the weight of my inadequacies.

Maybe people really do love me.

My heart

My mind

My body.

Maybe they’re unique

A creation of the Creator

To love

To learn

To sustain.

Maybe these hips will carry children

Pausing from life to dance around the kitchen

To comfort a tired and sad and small version of myself.

Maybe this voice will be used to lead

To encourage

To spread life and truth.

And maybe this mind will be used to create

To write

To imagine and dream.

 

So Lord renew my mind

My eyes

My heart

Day by day

Moment by moment

That I would see what you see

Rejoice in your creation

And call it what it is:

Good.

 

7/1/13