Losing It

So today started out great.

I had planned out my day, had sweet Jesus time and a yummy breakfast with friends, had great discussions in class and then, out of the blue, my plans got changed over a silly extra credit assignment. And you know what happened?

I lost it.

I went from having a Spirit-filled, I’m-so-joyful-and-happy-to-be-alive kind of day to my blood pressure sky-rocketing. I became flustered and frustrated everyone around me because I’m nearly sprinting to my car and no one can seem to move out of my way fast enough. Stupid people, taking their sweet time getting to class when I have somewhere to be. I made it to my car after my swift trek across campus and hit a fast food line and drove like a mad woman down Cumberland as I shoved Zaxby’s chicken strips down my throat (if you happened to be a victim of this scene I am deeply sorry-It was a really, really low moment).

And then I got to church.

I was meeting to plan for lifegroup and as I entered the parking lot, pausing before I got out of my car I became keenly aware of my fifteen minutes of fury and I. Was. Appalled.

I felt silly and ashamed.

Here’s the thing: Stress makes me ugly. Frustration makes me ugly. Rushing makes me ugly.

And there was honestly no reason I should have been any of these things.

Yes, my plans changed and I had to move a meeting up earlier meaning I didn’t have time to make it back to the house for lunch and I would have to make my meeting short and sweet but you know what?

It all got done.

The sun came out from behind the clouds.

My world didn’t crumble.

So why did I do that?

Why did I stress eat, why did I glare at everyone near me who was walking less than four miles an hour, and why did I let my emotions run wild just because of a tiny bump in my plan for the day?

Seriously, it was not that big of a deal.

To be honest, I really don’t know why plans changing seems to shatter my world every single time.

But I know it isn’t pleasant, sure isn’t beneficial and definitely doesn’t honor Jesus.

In Matthew 6, Jesus is sharing with a large group of his disciples and tells them, “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will stand by and be devoted to the one and despise and be against the other. You cannot serve God and mammon (deceitful riches, money, possessions, or whatever is trusted in). Therefore I tell you, stop being perpetually uneasy (anxious and worried) about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink; or about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life greater [in quality] than food, and the body [far above and more excellent] than clothing? (Matthew 6:24-25 AMP)”

This is a fantastic passage but most of the time I ride it off as just a positive suggestion.

“Don’t worry, God’s got it, yada yada, yada..”

And today the when I read that Jesus said I can’t serve Him and “whatever is trusted in” it stops me in my tracks.

The Amplified Bible just hit the nail on the head.

I’ve been trusting that my plans and my expectations for my day are better then what God has in store for me.

And that is robbing a heck of a lot of joy from my life.

Because when my life is all about me, I’m not really living.

When I’m focused on the minute details of my day, I miss the opportunity to bless other people and see what Jesus is doing in my life at the moment.

I know that completely contradicts everything our society tells us, but Jesus is just continually teaching me that when my eyes are focused on myself, I lose control and become that scary monster shoving food in her face and speeding down the street.

And that’s really not who I want to be.

So I keep having to run to Jesus, the one who faithfully continues to refine me.

Because I really can’t do it myself.

That’s really all I know to do. As I find myself losing control, feeling consumed by anxiety, inadequacy, etc. the only thing I know to do is run and throw myself at the feet of Jesus. Because He’s the only one who can rescue me.

Mary Cate Ownby is not the rescuer. Mary Cate Ownby is a drowning, screaming mess who has no hope for redemption without the Blood of Jesus.

But oh! How sweet it is that He LOVES me! That He loves YOU! He’s so quick to rescue us and remind us of how deeply He cares for us. Like a Good Dad, Jesus is so willing to bend down into my mess, brush me off and remind me who He says I am. He provides for you and me in every season, in every moment, through every shortcoming. He clothes us more beautifully than flowers and feed us with more intentionality than He cares for all creation.

So it’s okay that we don’t have it all together. I can once again lay down my plans and fears and need for control and I can trust Him and watch as He provides. Because He always comes through.

And in case you weren’t already sure of the fact that I am a mess of a person with no hope without the sanctity of Jesus, the next time you’re stressed up to your eyeballs, just picture me inhaling chicken fingers and driving with a crazed look on my face like the madwoman I can be, laugh, and then go run and talk to Jesus.

Because He is so FOR you. And even though we are never going to fully grasp His totally faithfulness, we can keep running back to Him when we forget. We will always forget. But He’s so good.

So go run to Jesus sweet friends. Run and be reminded of who He is.

Be blessed.

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Currently reading: Experiencing the Depths of Jesus Christ by Jeanne Guyon. READ IT EVERYONE!

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